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Welcome to UltimateBattles Issue #2

Exhibition Match

"Cartoon Fish Fry"

Jabber Jaw


Charlie Tuna
Darby: I would like to state for the record that this announcer box stinks like a Teamster clothes hamper.

Mark: Well, if SOMEBODY hadn't eaten my deoderant, and washed it down with my after-shave......

Mark: Both of these upright walking, air-breathing, talking blue fish with white bellies have been in the public eye for years.

Darby: The challangers are teleporting in, and approaching the table. Jabberjaw deals. Both gilled enemies are moving cards in thier hand. Charlie asks Jabberjaw if he has any fours.....the answer comes, No, GO FISH! The hulking sentient shark stuffs Charlie between two Ritz crackers, and bites.

Mark: Oh my lord, Charlies bodyless head seems to be mouthing something.

Darby: And now Jabberjaw is mouthing him! Game over.

Mark: Winner JABBERJAW!

You decided who won!
Final Score:
Jabber Jaw
78.8% (52)
Charlie Tuna
21.2% (14)
Total votes: 66

Jabber Jaw - Hanna-Barbara
Charlie Tuna- 2001 Starkist Tuna

Hero Match

"Lord of the Sky"



Mark: This is going to be a great fight. Omega has bent time and space to bring us these two atheletes in the prime of their respective careers.

Darby: That's right, Mark. Hawkman's clone was taken just prior to his self-banishment to the "Hawk-God's" pocket universe. At that stage, he was the living avatar of the Hawk-God, and his wings grew right out of his back.

Mark: And Angel from the X-men was copied at a point in time when he was still ARCH-angel. A deadly foe by any measure.

Darby: Omega has covered the floor of the arena with newspaper.

Mark: Much as you have covered your liver with alcohol.

Darby: The rings are dropping, and both winged warriors are teleporting in now. We remind the viewers that both combatants believe the continuation of their respective reality is at stake.

Mark: Hawkman starts out defensive, not even bothering to unholster his Thangarian pistol, but instead swinging an ancient looking footman's flail.

Darby: Archangel uses his deadly feather projectile attack, but misses the agile "Man-rapter". The X-man circles Hawkman, but the Hawk's agility shines through in a swift and well placed smack of that flail, knocking the would-be cherub for a loop!

Mark: Archangel, reeling from the attack, is on the defensive...he's, his head obviously not clear, and the Hawk swings again, this time missing the erratic flight of Archangel. Again, Hawkman sends that brick on a chain on a stick searching for mana, and he scores a hit. Archangel is spinning in the air, wait, no it is a counter-attack! Hawkman took the edge of a razer sharp wing accross his chest. Blood now clearly visable from the announcer's box.

Darby: But Hawkman shrugs it off and hits the Angel with an uppercut with that monsterous flail. And the Hawk takes another gash from the wing of Archangel! A left handed punch in the beak from Hawkman again puts the wannabe Horseman on the run, and Hawkman chases, with no reguard for the obviouse damage he has taken to his torso. The Angel turns on his pusuer with a full on haymaker, and takes the Hawk off guard. I hope that jaw ain't glass!

Mark: Hawk recovers just in time to evade a volley of projectiles fired off by Archangel.What's this? The Thanagarian is pulling out his blaster....BOOM! There goes one angelic wing!

Darby: Archangel charging the Hawk on foot, obviously weary and outclassed. BOOM! I think that is where Archangel's head used to be.

Mark: He will be feeling that in the morning!

Darby: he won't.

Mark: The winner....HAWKMAN!

Darby: Another issue under our belts.

Mark: This is Mark saying, see you in the funny papers.

Darby: And this is Darby of Nine, tertiary Borg Liver node, signing off.

Hawkman - DC Comics
Archangel- Marvel Comics

Sci-Fi Vehicle Match

"Capital Ships A'hoy!"

Battlestar Galactica


Star Destroyer

Delayed for this month's computer upgrades. Sorry.

Battlestar Galactica - Universal Studios
Star Destroyer - George Lucas LTD

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